Lonely in a crowd

After my last post I really thought I'd be able to pull myself together, take a breath and feel BETTER. I am working on it but it sure is hard. I wish I was able to just refocus and smile like *that*. Maybe just rearrange the map and stick AK right next to GA.

If there is one thing I have and am learning from this experience it is that family and friends that we make our family, mean so much more than I had allowed myself to realize before. I miss them all so much it literally hurts. I am learning that I'd gladly live in a cold state with less than desirable shopping, high house prices and lack of variety and just BE WITH those who mean so much to me. The nice weather, abundance of "things" to do, FREE SHIPPING when online shopping, no more of this "we do not ship to your state, fresh produce, amusement parks, low house prices... it all sounds so appealing. In the end all of those things without my family just leave me with an empty feeling inside. I'd rather have an overpriced HOME then a low priced house.

Today I was walking to the bus stop to pick up Taveon. It was cool outside and there was a nice breeze. The trees all around me were so beautiful. Changing colors, leaves falling and blowing through the air. For a second I breathed it all in and felt happy. My next thought went straight home and my heart sank. Sank deep and immediately ached. Longed for familiarity and comfort. Longed for my home.

In short no matter how much beauty surrounds you, no matter how many fun things there are to do, none of it MATTERS when you can't share it with the people you love. I guess it matters but it just doesn't FEEL like it does.

I am questioning my sanity or why I thought I would be able feel happy or fulfilled without my family with me. What in the world made me think this was a good choice to go along with? Ya know, it's so different being away from home when you have kids. If I had moved away and didn't have my kids I'd still miss it but it would be less painful. Gosh, I am not sure I can find the right words to explain it. I miss sharing the experience of them growing up, with my family. I miss seeing their faces light up when my sister walked through the door. I miss how excited Damon gets when he sees his grandmas. I miss being able to drive Damon to see his grandma when he asks. There is so much I miss that revolves around them.

I still call my grams just about daily. Talking to her makes me feel closer to home. For that hour that she takes out of her day to talk with me , I forget how far I am. I appreciate being able to talk to her like that.

I really am trying to come to terms with this move and be ok with it. The fact is my husband hates Alaska and I doubt he will ever want to go back. It is kind of a lose/lose. I do not feel complete here and he won't be happy where I do feel complete. I made a sacrifice for his desire to be here. I am trying my best not to become resentful. I just can't imagine being away from my family like this forever. Honestly, I don't want to imagine it continuing much at all.

A friend showed me an article on loneliness tonight (thanks Jamie). It talked about how you can be comfortable being alone but feel isolated when around people. That's a feeling I understand right now. It is because when I am around other people it somehow makes me miss my family that much more. If you haven't ever felt this then you won't understand what I am saying.


This week was Taveon's birthday. My first born baby turned 8. How have EIGHT years gone by? I am lucky to have him, I know that much. He is one of the sweetest most caring little boys I know.

This was my little baby on October 17th, 2003. Look at how perfect he was. Just sleeping peacefully. 

Fast forward to his 8th birthday:

Look at that smiling face.. it makes my heart happy. He really is a wonderful kid with such a huge heart. 

Well it looks like it's time to go to bed and try to sleep. Somehow night time can feel the worst. 

Thanks for "listening" friends. 

I am glad I have somewhere to get these feelings and thoughts out.

Amber