Brighter Days

Ok friends, I have pulled myself together and am no longer drowning in self pity. As much as I do miss "home" I am going to make the best of my adventure here. I am sure the holidays will be hard but you do what you have to do right? I need to smile so my kids know it's ok to be happy here. Those precious little faces mean more to me than anything and I will do everything in my power to make them smile.

Since my last post we took the kids to a pumpkin patch. That was pretty fun. We went on a hayride and the kids played in a bounce house there. We also had boiled peanuts mmm. The weather was perfect that day. It was right around 70 degrees and sunny but not overly sunny. Here are some pictures from that fun day:

I have been LOVING fall down here. I always did love fall here when we were down here before. We lived in GA for a few years back when Shaun was active duty and we were first married. Fall is definitely GORGEOUS here. Walking to pick Taveon up from the bus stop everyday I can't help but to be mesmerized by the deep reds, oranges and yellows of the leaves. Yet it's still warm enough to only need a light jacket during the day. I have started taking some pictures of the pretty trees. Some were taken at night because I jumped out of the car (not literally don't worry) while in a parking lot where I saw pretty trees. I am sure people thought I was crazy but that's nothing new ;)

Taveon has been loving that we have a basketball hoop in the driveway. He plays out there a lot and he asked me to take pictures of him and "show people". So, here are a few of those :)

So, I still haven't finished unpacking. I have so much more to unpack but these kids sure find ways to keep me BUSY. I am lucky to keep up with day to day things like laundry, dishes, meals, baths for everyone (except Shaun, thankfully he bathes himself lol). I am hoping to be done with unpacking soon so I can begin decorating and making this place home. I think that will help all of us. Plus, I need to get unpacked so I can share pictures of our new home with everyone! 

Today was Damon's 3rd birthday. I say this so often but time FLIES! It's hard to believe it has been 3 years since he was born. So funny how it seems like it's gone by so fast but at the very same time I feel like I can't remember life before him ya know? Once you have babies it's so hard to imagine life without them. He is such a special little boy with so so much personality. He is pretty stubborn and I have NO idea where he gets that from :/ 

Taveon has been adjusting well at his new school. I spoke with his teacher and she said it's just like he has been there all year and he is really warming up to everyone. She also told me she loves having him in her class already. That made me feel such relief. He has been awfully forgetful when it comes to bringing things to and from school though and that is pretty frustrating but we are working on it. 

The other day I was cooking dinner and Isla kept fussing. I asked Taveon to please play with her for a bit. The next thing I know I found this sweet sight:

He had rocked her to sleep while watching cartoons. Melts my heart. What an awesome big brother he is. Look at their resemblance, too! I love them.

Tomorrow I am going on a walking ghost tour with a friend :) It seems pretty neat and it will be nice to get out and spend time with another adult. I am inside of a house with small children all day everyday and while I love it, I sometimes feel like I have lost connection with the outside world. I will be sure to take pics and post them! There is so much history down here and I am certain it will be interesting. 

I am going to run because it is 1am and I better rest so I can work on unpacking this weekend. 

Thanks for taking the time to keep up with our new life down here :)

Amber

Oops I am editing to add this:
I am not sure HOW I forgot but I have the cutest video of Isla to share :))

Oh my gosh it makes me laugh. She is such a girl and she already knows how to work daddy!

Lonely in a crowd

After my last post I really thought I'd be able to pull myself together, take a breath and feel BETTER. I am working on it but it sure is hard. I wish I was able to just refocus and smile like *that*. Maybe just rearrange the map and stick AK right next to GA.

If there is one thing I have and am learning from this experience it is that family and friends that we make our family, mean so much more than I had allowed myself to realize before. I miss them all so much it literally hurts. I am learning that I'd gladly live in a cold state with less than desirable shopping, high house prices and lack of variety and just BE WITH those who mean so much to me. The nice weather, abundance of "things" to do, FREE SHIPPING when online shopping, no more of this "we do not ship to your state, fresh produce, amusement parks, low house prices... it all sounds so appealing. In the end all of those things without my family just leave me with an empty feeling inside. I'd rather have an overpriced HOME then a low priced house.

Today I was walking to the bus stop to pick up Taveon. It was cool outside and there was a nice breeze. The trees all around me were so beautiful. Changing colors, leaves falling and blowing through the air. For a second I breathed it all in and felt happy. My next thought went straight home and my heart sank. Sank deep and immediately ached. Longed for familiarity and comfort. Longed for my home.

In short no matter how much beauty surrounds you, no matter how many fun things there are to do, none of it MATTERS when you can't share it with the people you love. I guess it matters but it just doesn't FEEL like it does.

I am questioning my sanity or why I thought I would be able feel happy or fulfilled without my family with me. What in the world made me think this was a good choice to go along with? Ya know, it's so different being away from home when you have kids. If I had moved away and didn't have my kids I'd still miss it but it would be less painful. Gosh, I am not sure I can find the right words to explain it. I miss sharing the experience of them growing up, with my family. I miss seeing their faces light up when my sister walked through the door. I miss how excited Damon gets when he sees his grandmas. I miss being able to drive Damon to see his grandma when he asks. There is so much I miss that revolves around them.

I still call my grams just about daily. Talking to her makes me feel closer to home. For that hour that she takes out of her day to talk with me , I forget how far I am. I appreciate being able to talk to her like that.

I really am trying to come to terms with this move and be ok with it. The fact is my husband hates Alaska and I doubt he will ever want to go back. It is kind of a lose/lose. I do not feel complete here and he won't be happy where I do feel complete. I made a sacrifice for his desire to be here. I am trying my best not to become resentful. I just can't imagine being away from my family like this forever. Honestly, I don't want to imagine it continuing much at all.

A friend showed me an article on loneliness tonight (thanks Jamie). It talked about how you can be comfortable being alone but feel isolated when around people. That's a feeling I understand right now. It is because when I am around other people it somehow makes me miss my family that much more. If you haven't ever felt this then you won't understand what I am saying.


This week was Taveon's birthday. My first born baby turned 8. How have EIGHT years gone by? I am lucky to have him, I know that much. He is one of the sweetest most caring little boys I know.

This was my little baby on October 17th, 2003. Look at how perfect he was. Just sleeping peacefully. 

Fast forward to his 8th birthday:

Look at that smiling face.. it makes my heart happy. He really is a wonderful kid with such a huge heart. 

Well it looks like it's time to go to bed and try to sleep. Somehow night time can feel the worst. 

Thanks for "listening" friends. 

I am glad I have somewhere to get these feelings and thoughts out.

Amber

Life as we know it...

I have not posted in a very long time and so much has changed. Shaun was offered a job in GA. He accepted and here we are... in GA. We left Anchorage the last part of August. We drove from WA to GA. That was an experience in itself.

Once we got to GA we stayed in an extended stay for about 5 or 6 weeks. 300 square feet and 5 people! You can imagine what that was like. During that stay I realized how much I took for granted having a washer and dryer that was not coin operated, a bathroom to myself, an OVEN and many more things.

Basically it was a long trip down here and it has been a long transition. Pretty exhausting but all together not terrible. We found a nice home to rent and we have a yard for the kids now. We have plenty of room for friends and family to visit (HINT HINT).

Taveon tells us he is leaving and going back to AK. Damon stares out our front window whining to go to "Day Day's home that way" and cries to see his grandmas and aunt Brandy. It BREAKS. MY. HEART. Isla, she is too little to say much but I do get sad thinking how she won't know her grandparents and aunts and uncles like the boys have had a chance to. She will know them but just not the same. I keep questioning if moving was the right choice. I mean yes we have a HOUSE to live in now instead of an apartment. We have a yard for the kids. We have nicer things and there is so much to do down here. You know what though, those are just that.. THINGS. They don't make being away from family and friends feel any better. They don't make up for holidays with family. Trick or treating with cousins. Running around like crazy on Christmas day to visit everyones houses. Can you tell I'm having one of those days? I just pray that we made the right choice.

I am unsure of the right words to explain exactly how I am feeling but you know when you are sick and your stomach is just unsettled. How you can't quite sleep because you just can't get comfortable. How even though you're an adult you just want your MOM to make it all better. My heart feels sick. So kind of like all of that but worse because there is no medicine up at the drugstore to help and no mom here to make it all better.

The most heartbreaking part of it all is seeing my kids hurt. Hearing them asking to go home and trying to tell them THIS IS our new home. Seeing Taveon sad that he missed out on hockey this year and seeing him missing his friends at school in AK. Heck, I miss his school in AK. I have to keep on the strong face for the kids but I won't feel better until they feel better. That will help me the most because that's what hearts the most. Isla obviously can not say she misses home or her family but I get so sad when I look at her sweet face and I realize she won't know her family the same way my boys got a chance to. She can't just hop on over to grandma's when she wants to.

If you're thinking I am crazy because I JUST moved and am already so homesick, well you're right. I might be a bit crazy. Being away from home, even in such a short time frame, really makes you realize how much you love the people you are missing and how much you may have taken them for granted when you were closer. I am thinking I should have done less worrying over having a clean house and folded laundry and spent more time with my friends and family. Lesson learned.

Gosh, this is such a downer of a blog. I will have to put my big girl panties on and stop moping around at some point. I wish there was a magical pill I could swallow and just BE HAPPY. I am happy but I am also sad. Now I am not even making sense.

It did feel good getting some of this out in writing.

I really am going to try to be better about my blogging and adding pictures since we are so far from home now. Also, we are setting up our webcam and skype and I am really excited about that.

Ok time to get Taveon ready for his first day at his new school. We tried homeschooling for a bit because our move was such a lengthy process but with having two toddlers , who are unsettled from a move and a momma still upset from being so far from home... it just became too much. So, his first day is tomorrow, on his 8th birthday. I may need hugs tomorrow because it's always hard sending your baby somewhere new.

If you made it to the end of this blog, God bless you <3

Amber - far from home